


Never Say Never

by Arok88



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:15:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26406352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arok88/pseuds/Arok88
Summary: Some things we don't talk aboutRather do without and just hold the smileFalling in and out of loveAshamed and proud of, together all the while
Relationships: Nick Carter/Kevin Richardson
Comments: 9
Kudos: 6





	Never Say Never

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've written anything in more than 10 years. So I hope you enjoy. Older works can be found here: https://wistfulmemories.weebly.com/

“How in the hell did I ever let you talk me into this?” Nick asked dusting off his dirty hands on his jeans for what had to be the twelfth time in the last five minutes. 

“Because you looooove me and would do anything to help me in my time of need.” Brian said cheekily, his eyes shining brightly with mischief and laughter. 

Nick rolled his eyes and hid his smile. Of course he would do anything to help his best friend. That’s what best friends were for, right? He just wished he was given a more detailed description of what exactly this favor entailed before he had so willingly agreed to give up his time, sanity and strength. 

Nick looked around the storage unit and sighed again. They had been at this for actual days and it still looked as though they haven't touched anything at all. His muscles ached from moving boxes, furniture, files, paperwork and everything else Brian’s grandparents had managed to accumulate over their fifty years together. 

“Tell me again why this had to be done this week?” Nick asked, pulling another trash bag out of the box he’d brought with him that morning. They had barely been in the unit for an hour today but they already filled several trash bags with basically garbage. Old clothes, magazines, and shoes lined the entrance to the storage unit waiting to be hauled out to the trash. This was the third day, the second box of trash bags and there was still no end in sight. 

“With my dad’s health taking a turn for the worse, my mom needs this place emptied so she can cancel the unit. She needs to get as much as she can off of her plate so she and Ann can focus on taking care of my dad.” Brian said brushing his curls off his forehead. He was covered in sweat and grime. Brian’s father was recovering from a massive heart attack. For now he was on the mend, but the doctors had warned them he would never be back to the same health he was in before the episode. He would never have the stamina or strength to clean out this massive storage unit and so the task had fallen to Brian.

Honestly, it should have been Brian and Kevin cleaning out their grandparent’s unit, but Brian’s dad’s heart attack had sent Kevin reeling. The memories of losing his own father had resurfaced and he had taken off the moment he knew his uncle was stable. Kevin had been unreachable for weeks. Brian knew he just needed time to grieve and heal and then he would be back. 

In the meantime though, this storage unit had to be emptied and Brian couldn’t do it by himself. He loved his wife, but Leighanne was not one for heavy lifting. She had rallied when his father was hospitalized, doing everything she could to take care of not only Brian and Baylee, but his mom and Kevin’s mom, making sure they had food and clean clothes and making sure their households were all in running order. He loved her dearly and couldn’t begin to ask her to deal with this mess. 

So he called Nick. Called him in tears, scaring the younger man half to death in the middle of the night. Nick had been there in a matter of hours. Leaving Las Vegas as soon as he could get a flight to meet the older man in Kentucky. He stood by Brian throughout the long evenings at the hospital when they didn’t know which way Harold would go. Nick couldn’t imagine being anywhere else when his best friend needed him. He would do anything for Brian, which is how he got roped in to cleaning out this storage unit. 

Brian’s grandparents were pack rats. Literal hoarders. They never threw anything away. Kept every gift, article of clothing, useless thing, heirlooms, antiques, furniture, you name it and it was in this storage unit. That’s what made this task so daunting. Not only did the storage unit need to be cleaned out, but every box, every bag, every item had to be gone through. Keep, Trash, Donate. They had tried to set up the piles the first day and that quickly proved to be impossible. 

When their parents had died, Ann and Harold couldn’t deal with the task of sorting through their effects. So they had purchased the storage unit and hired movers to pack up the house and move everything to the storage unit. And it had sat there for more than 15 years, collecting dust, dirt and bugs. There wasn’t a surface in the storage unit that wasn’t covered in some kind of grime. 

Brian sighed. There was no way he could have done any of this without Nick’s help. The stress he’d been under with his father in the hospital was almost too much for him to bear. He had to be strong for his mom and Aunt, Kevin and Baylee. With Nick he didn’t have to be strong. If he needed twenty minutes to reminisce and cry after finding a photograph or an article of his grandmother’s clothing he so vividly remembered, that was okay. Nick would gauge Brian’s need. If he felt Brian needed to be alone with his grief and emotions he would quietly excuse himself to run the trash down to the dumpster. If Nick felt like Brian needed reassurance and support then he would drop to his knees beside his best friend and gather him in a hug while the older man cried. 

The sentimentality of everything in the storage unit made this whole process very slow moving. But Nick never complained or made Brian feel bad or guilty for taking too much time on whether a certain blouse of his grandmothers should be kept instead of donated or if stacks of legal documents were really trash or things they needed to keep and file away. Brian was very thankful. 

Nick smiled at his friend. He knew how hard this was. He had lost his own father a few years ago, but most days he still carried that heaviness with him. Bob and Nick had a severely strained relationship. The Carter family was nothing if not dysfunctional. There was so much pain, hurt and anger there anytime he thought about his family. So much pain he had gone through over the years and now two of them were gone and Nick would never get the closure or the time with them back. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. Brian’s family was nothing like his. They were very loving and welcoming. They had welcomed Nick into their bubble the moment he touched down in Kentucky. Ann and Jackie both leaned on him in Kevin’s wake and he was never so thankful to feel like an included member of their family. 

Kevin. 

He couldn’t allow his mind to go there. Not right now, not with this monumental task in front of them. He sighed and finished stuffing the stack of magazines into the trash bag. “Do you have any trash by you that I can fill this bag with?” Nick asked Brian as he turned around. 

Brian shook his head. “Not yet, most of this section is clothing I think. Some of this stuff looks like it’s from the 50s.” Brian said laughing. 

Nick glanced at his friend and busted out laughing. Brian had found a top hat. Black and tall, the hat was now on top of the blonde in an almost comical way. “Dude, where did that thing even come from?” Nick said laughing. 

“Who knows. I have no idea where half of this stuff came from. I don’t remember all of it. Some things I can picture, I can see how they were in the house or I can remember them being worn. But other things, I wonder if it’s just been so long since they’ve been gone that I now can’t remember. I was so young when they died. I don’t really know. I am just really scared I will throw something out that really means something to someone and then it will be gone.” Brian said thoughtfully as he moved the pile of shoes into a banker box. 

Nick nodded. “I understand. I don’t think we will be able to get through this without Jackie and Ann coming down to look through some of this stuff, but at least we can get a lot of this out of here before then so they don’t have to spend so much time looking at the stuff that doesn’t matter.”

Brian smiled softly.”Nick,” he started, his voice filling with emotion. “I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done. You dropped everything to be here for me and my family. It’s something I will never be able to repay and I just want you to know how much it means to me Frack.”

“Don’t make me cry, dammit. There’s so much dust in here I will never get it off if you make me cry. You are my brother and when you need me, I am here. No questions asked. Now come on, I would like to make some kind of progress today.” Nick winked at Brian and went back to get another trash bag. 

\---

Several hours later they had actually started to make visual progress. They had cleared out the entire first corner of the unit leaving them more room to work around and sort. Nick had made several trips to the dumpster and ran to get lunch. He pulled back into the parking lot of the unit complex and killed the engine. Breathing deeply he rubbed his tired fingers against his temples. His head was pounding and his body was sore. It had been a gruelling couple of weeks. This was a rare moment spent alone where he could feel all of his emotions instead of hiding them, trying to be strong for the others around that needed and depended on him being the strong one. This was a complete role reversal for him. He had grown up the baby with this clan and was all too willing to fall into the familiar role of baby brother most days, but this time, this time it was his strength everyone needed to get through the day. And Nick was more than flattered to dust himself off every morning and give it. He was touched and a little proud that he could be what everyone needed. Everyone that is, except him.

He squeezed his eyes shut tighter and willed his tears to subside. He would not cry, he couldn’t. As dirty as he currently was, there would be no way to explain his appearance to Brian if he went back into the storage unit with messy tear tracks all over his face. That was a conversation he would not, could not have with the older man. He took several deep breaths and tried desperately not to think of the raven haired man who was assaulting his thoughts. He couldn’t deal with this right now, the pain was too fresh. He just didn’t understand what he had done to make Kevin feel this way. Maybe he was giving himself too much credit. There was nothing saying he had anything at all to do with Kevin’s sudden departure, but the timing was very suspect. 

Why did it feel like his world had collapsed when he heard that Kevin had gone missing? Well not technically missing. It wasn’t like they needed a search party, he had been clear when he left he needed to be alone and didn’t want anyone trying to find him. He would check in as he felt like he could and would not answer phone or emails so there was no use trying. 

It was just strange that the need for reclusiveness and time to grieve didn’t manifest until Nick’s plane had touched down in Kentucky. He had been looking forward to seeing the older man. Touching him, holding him, giving him some level of solace. But by the time he’d made his way to the hospital it had all been gone. 

\---

Nick thought back to that day three weeks ago. He had just gotten back to his loft from a run and barely made it into the bathroom when his cell phone rang. He was half undressed preparing to shower as he stumbled back into the bedroom to find his phone. Seeing his best friend’s number on the screen he picked it up cheerfully. “Hey Rok, what’s up?” 

Nick knew instantly something was wrong. There was a strange silence and then a strangled sound broke out on the phone. “Need you.” Nick heard before the voice on the other end dissolved into sobs. Nick felt his legs give out, partially from the exhaustion of his run and the other part due to the complete fear he felt from hearing the broken man on the other side of the line. 

“What’s happened,” Nick demanded, fear taking hold and making his stomach flop to the floor. “It’s my dad.” Brian managed to choke out before the sobbing started again. 

It stayed like that for a few minutes with Brian sobbing and Nick whispering soothing words of comfort and love to his best friend. He heard shuffling and someone shushing Brian and then someone else took the phone. “Nicky?” a female voice asked. 

“Hey Leigh,” Nick breathed, relieved someone could finally give him some answers. “What is going on? Brian is hysterical and he hasn’t been able to tell me anything.”

“It’s Harold, Nicky. He’s had a heart attack. We don’t know yet if he will be able to pull through. Brian is beside himself, Kevin is a mess and I am trying to handle everything on my own and I just can’t. We need you, Nick” Leighanne’s voice broke and he knew without a shadow of a doubt there was nowhere else he needed to be. 

“It’s going to be okay Leigh. I just got back to the apartment, let me grab a shower and I will call the airport. I’ll be on the first flight I can get tonight. Just stay strong a little bit longer and then I will be there.”

Nick quickly hung up the phone and glanced around the room. Suitcase was in the hall closet, the dogs would be cared for by the neighbor and he could call the housekeeper once he was in Kentucky. He quickly checked the airport’s website to see a 6pm flight into Louisville. He could rent a car and drive the rest of the way into Lexington. 

He made a few calls to confirm his travel arrangements and began peeling the remainder of his clothing off. He had to hurry if he was going to get to the airport in time. Brian needed him, Kevin needed him. There was no place else he would rather be. 

\--

Nick took several deep breaths in a row. Remembering that night always brought the tears he tried to suppress to the surface. He had landed in Louisville running on pure adrenaline. The drive from Louisville to the hospital had gone by in a blur. He had spent the entire flight running over scenarios in his head about what he would say when he was face to face with his older bandmate again. It had been so long since he’d laid eyes on Kevin. 

Almost a full year now. They had all taken some time off to get some perspective, spend time with their families and decide how they wanted to grow and move forward. 

One month had turned to three and three to nine and before any of them had really realized it it had been almost a year they’d been on a break and away from each other. Well, Nick knew. He could tell you down to the hour how long it had been since he’d seen Kevin, been close enough to allow his eyes to linger over the older man. But for everyone else, the break was much needed and deserved by all. Nick enjoyed the time off as well, but he didn’t have the family obligations and advantages as his other bandmates. Nick was alone for the most part with little going on to hold his attention. He had started hoping that their break would be over soon and they could all get back to the one thing that made him feel like a real person, made him feel complete. 

But that was before Brian’s dad.

Now he wasn’t sure what would happen. All he knew was that his friends needed him and he would move every obstacle in his way to be there for them. 

Nick arrived at the hospital in record time. He called Leighanne’s cell phone from the parking lot. “Hey Leigh,” he said slamming the car door shut. “I just got here, where do I need to go?”

He heard her voice break on the other end. “Thank god, Nicky. We can’t do this without you.”

Her words warmed his heart. He often felt isolated and adrift and it was nice to be told that someone needed him, that he mattered to someone else. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

“We are in the ICU. If you come to the third floor I will meet you at the entrance and bring you back with me. They don’t usually let people stay here, but with it being Brian, they’ve had to make special security arrangements and so we have more freedom and leeway then other patients.”

Nick hung up the phone and took a deep breath. He could do this. He stuffed his phone into his jacket pocket and took off towards the hospital entrance. Once he got upstairs to the ICU he felt his stomach doing flip flops. He closed his eyes briefly, giving himself a moment of solace before pushing open the door and stepping inside. Leighanne stood off to the left, looking worse for wear. The usually put together woman looked like she hadn’t slept in days. She was dressed in clothes that looked several days old, her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail and her eyes were red and swollen. He saw her begin to shake the moment she saw him. 

He was to her in seconds, folding her into his arms and trying his best to soothe her. She broke down, clinging to him as she let her tears fall. They stood like that for several moments. Nick running his hands up and down her back, trying his best to calm her. After a few minutes her cries turned to sniffles and she pulled back wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. 

“I’m sorry Nick. I just, I can’t let Brian see me upset and it’s just so much after a little bit. He’s so upset, and I’m trying to be everything for everybody and it’s just overwhelming.” She said smiling sadly. 

Nick nodded. “I understand. I am here for all of you, not just Brian. Tell me what you need.”

She hugged him again.”I need a cup of coffee and another set of hands” she said laughing softly.

She took his hand and let him down a long hallway. They went through a set of double doors and then the hospital wing opened up and there was Brian. He was pacing back and forth in a small lobby. He looked up at the noise and Nick barely had time to register seeing him before the older man bulldozed into him. Nick brought his arms down around his friend and nodded at Leighanne as she slipped out of the lobby, knowing she needed some time to catch her breath and not be the strong one. Nick led Brian to a bench in the corner and pulled him close, allowing Brian to continue to cry, but allowed NIck to scan the room. Looking for other members of Brians’ family, looking for him. 

They sat that way for what felt like hours, but in reality was minutes until Brian’s breathing evened out and Nick looked down to find him sound asleep curled up next to him on the hospital bench. 

‘How did you do that?” Leighanne asked softly, sitting down across from the pair on one of the hard plastic chairs. She sat two cups of coffee down on the coffee table separating them and leaned back with her own. “I’ve been trying to get him to nap for two days.”

Nick smiled and thanked her for the coffee. “He cried himself to sleep.” Nick said running his fingers over Brian’s soft curls. He was quiet for a moment then asked the question.

“Where’s Kevin?”

Leighanne sighed and looked away from his gaze. “I’m not really sure, Nick. After we hung up with you Brian was so relieved. I could tell what a difference it made in him knowing you were on your way. It made a huge difference to me too. For the first time in days I felt like we would be okay. I love all of them dearly, but I am only one person and everyone's leaning on me, which I can understand, but I need some time too. I love Harold just as much as I love my own father, but I can’t be upset or let them see me cry. It’s been a rough few days.” 

She took several sips of her coffee before continuing. “Brian took off to let his mom know you were coming. I was out here trying to keep Baylee company and not focused on what was going on. Seeing his father so upset has really scared him. I’ve tried to shield him and keep him away, but he doesn’t want to be away from his grandma, or Brian for that matter. It’s been rough on everyone. Kevin, I am not really sure what happened. He had been here every day since Harold was admitted. Then about three hours ago he came and told Brian he couldn’t take being here anymore and he was leaving. He told us not to contact him or try to get in touch. Said he would reach out in a few days.” She shrugged and looked at Nick sadly. “That’s all I know.”

They sat in silence for a few moments. Nick felt like he was going to be sick. Did he leave because I was coming? What did I do to make him not even want to be in the same room with me? These thoughts swam through his head as he held his friend’s sleeping body close. He was glad he could be here for them, but a little piece of him was breaking knowing that he was not here, that he didn’t obviously want or need his help.

\--

Nick dried his eyes and got out of the truck. Gathering the bags containing their lunch, he slammed the door for good measure. Trudging back to the storage unit, Nick smiled at his older friend as he came into the view. He was talking animatedly on his cell phone oblivious to the world around him. Nick’s smile widened as Brian let out a cackle that he hadn’t heard in so long. It felt so good to hear Brian laugh again. 

Brian turned and looked at NIck as he made his way into the dim unit. Brian smiled and nodded as Nick held up the bags of lunch and went to work setting them up on the makeshift table they had set up at the front of the storage unit. 

A few minutes later Brian joined Nick. “Sorry about that, Baylee wanted to tell me about his school day.” Brian said. “Thanks so much for stopping to get lunch.”

Nick nodded, wiping his mouth with the spare napkin he’d found in the bottom of his lunch sack. “Don’t mention it. How’s things at home?” 

“Seems to be pretty quiet on the home front. Mom hasn’t called yet to update Leighanne on how dad’s doing today, but Leighanne is taking a much needed afternoon off. I told her we would bring something home for dinner.” Brian said, finishing his sandwich. 

The two men finished their lunch in relative silence. It was a quarter past noon and they still had several hours ahead of them if they wanted to get the entire left side done today as planned. Brian cleared the trash off the table and stood wiping his hands. “Guess we’d better get back to it.”

\--

It was getting late. The sun had started to set, but was still putting off enough light to keep them moving. The storage unit had electricity, but only one single bulb in the middle of the unit that did very little to light the left and right side. Once the sunlight disappeared completely, they had to carry everything to the center of the unit to identify what it was before sorting it into one of the three piles. So they worked quickly, trying to get as much done as possible before they lost the extra light. 

They were so close to being done with the goal they had set for themselves that morning that neither of them were paying particularly close attention to where they were going, or to each other. They had gotten into a groove and continued to move like well oiled machines.   
It was Brian who called out, seeing the tragedy before it happened. He tried to warn his best friend that he had dropped a smaller box in his path on his last trip through. Nick, oblivious to what was going on, carrying a very large and cumbersome box, didn’t hear or see Brian until he had tripped and sent himself and the heavy box clambering to the floor. 

The younger man lay sprawled out on the dusty floor, the contents of the box exploded around him. “OMG Nick! Are you all right?” Brian asked, coming running from the front of the storage unit. 

“I...I think so,” Nick said a little dazed. He struggled to a sitting position and surveyed the damage in front of him. The box had been too awkward for him to lift on his own, he should have asked Brian to help him move it, but in his haste to finish for the day he had hoisted it up anyway. Now before him were dozens of...well, Nick wasn’t quite sure what they were.

“What is all this?” Brian asked, kneeling down beside his blonde friend.

Nick shrugged. “No idea.”

He picked up one of the little books. They were smaller than the average notebook, but bigger than one you would stick in your suit or shirt pocket. They seemed to be very nice quality leather Nick thought as he turned one over in his hands. He felt his breath catch as his eyes focused in on the initials embossed on the cover. K S R. 

He looked at Brian with wide eyes. Brian had picked up his own book and was fanning out the pages. Nick felt his stomach clench when he caught sight of the inside of the pages. They were filled with writing, his handwriting. Nick quickly flipped through the pages of his book and realized it too was filled with writing. He quickly picked up two more books. Both had the initials on the front, both full of handwriting. 

“I have absolutely no idea what these are,” Brian said, gathering a couple more into a stack. “I don’t have time to sit and read through them, maybe they should just go in the trash pile.” 

“No!” Nick said almost too forcefully. 

Brian looked at him strangely, cocking his head slightly to one side. “You want to read all these to see if they need to be saved? Who knows who even wrote in them, there has to be like ten of these here.”

There were eight actually. Nick had quickly counted them all in his head trying to make sure that none of them had scattered away in the fall to the floor. Brian obviously hadn’t seen the embossment, didn’t know who these belonged to. “Yes, I’ll read through them. It will give me something to do while you guys are having family time. Grab that box over there and I’ll take them back to the house with me.” 

Brian looked at the other man for a moment longer and shook his head. If Nick wanted to spend his evening reading through the chicken scratch of one of his relatives, who was he to tell the man no. He grabbed the bankers box and handed it over. 

\--

Nick tried to stay focused throughout the rest of their time in the storage unit, but the knowledge of the notebooks in the back of his truck was driving him crazy. The desire to stop everything to start reading them was overwhelming. They finally called it quits around six. Vowing to return the next morning to make more progress. Nick turned off the lights and locked up the unit before meeting Brian in the truck. “Where do you want to stop for take out?” NIck asked backing out of the parking lot. 

“I was thinking about just ordering a pizza. I am exhausted and I don’t want to sit and wait for something. I can order it from my phone and have it delivered to the house.” Brian said leaning back in the trunk bench. 

That suited Nick fine. The quicker he ate and showered, the quicker he could dive into the notebooks. Rush hour was over so they made good time returning to Brian’s house. “Dinner should be here in ten minutes,” Brian said, shutting the truck door. “Do you need help carrying the notebooks?” 

“Nah,” Nick said, already picking up the box.”Can you just get the doors?”

Brian nodded and followed the blonde throughout the garage door and into the dining room. Now that Nick had them in his possession, he was not going to let them go until he had read every page. His curiosity was overwhelming. He quickly carried the books to the guest wing and stopped to wash for dinner. As much as he loved pizza, this was one meal he wished would hurry the hell up.

\--

An hour later, Nick found himself freshly showered and fed. He retreated to his room for the evening with a mug of hot chocolate and several hugs from the Littrell family. He felt bad refusing their offers for a game night, but they really needed time, just the three of them, and Nick really needed to find out the contents of the notebooks in his room. There was no way his mind would quiet until he had some idea about what he had written in all of those pages. 

He put several logs in the fireplace and climbed into the oversized armchair. He was anxious. His stomach was in knots and if he didn’t feel so nauseous he would have laughed at how crazy it was that some notebooks had gotten him all worked up. For all he knew they contained secret Littrell family recipes. It didn’t feel like that though. Without knowing one thing about these notebooks, Nick felt this overwhelming sense of...what was it? Destiny? Meaning? He wasn’t sure. All he knew was that his heart picked up speed and his hands grew clammy at the mere thought of opening one up. 

He pulled the box closer to the chair and began lifting notebooks out onto the coffee table. There were eight in total. All the same size, shape and color. All with the embossed K S R on the front cover. How would he even know where to begin? He touched each one gingerly. Now that he was actually alone with them, the fear of what was inside was all consuming. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Those emerald green eyes appeared in his mind. The porcelain skin and raven hair. His breathing quickened and he felt the familiar wetness at the corners of his eyes. He squeezed them shut tighter. There was no use doing this again. It wouldn’t give him any comfort. He was convinced reading whatever was written in these pages would just make the heartache that much worse. That much he was sure. 

He opened his eyes slowly and blinked back the tears. He scolded himself for reacting so strongly. He hadn’t even cracked open the first one and the water works were already starting. He wiped his face with the back of his hand and picked up his hot chocolate. The warm liquid warming his throat and his belly. When had it gotten so cold in here? He was thankful he had the wherewithal to start the fire before settling in. The crackling logs gave him a sense of security he didn’t know that he had needed. 

Putting the mug back down he picked up the first notebook. He took another deep breath and opened the cover. 2006 was scrawled across the inside cover. The pang hit harder than Nick anticipated. Every time he saw, heard or thought about that year the pain enveloped him like a tourniquet and took him much too long to loosen the torment. He quickly closed the notebook and put it down, picking up another. 2000. Nick smiled softly and then began opening up covers, checking out the years written inside and putting them in order. 

1993, 1995, 1999, 2000, 2002, 2006, 2012 and finally 2013. 

Nick swallowed hard. If he wasn’t nervous before, he sure as hell was now. These years, these specific years. Each of them were full of love, heartbreak, sadness and so much longing. He startled when the door creaked open. His eyes shot up, terrified he would be brought out of his daydream. He smiled softly as Baylee’s cat slinked into the room. She stretched and made her way to where he sat. He leaned down his hand for her to rub against. She nudged him gently and purred. Smiling he lifted the soft furball into his lap, running his fingers through her soft fur. The weight of her in his lap brought him comfort.

He picked up the first notebook, 1993. Tucking his legs underneath him he settled the cat in the crook of his arm and opened the book. 

\--

April 1993 - 

I have no idea what I’m doing if we’re being honest and not just by writing in this journal. I did something today I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined for myself. This has been a crazy day. So many highs, so many emotions! I don’t even know where to start. Perhaps this is why I bought this journal on the way home. I thought I would need a place to organize my thoughts, to get focused and a place I can write freely. Today, today I joined a musical group. It still seems odd for me to say out loud. 

I auditioned about a month ago and I got a call last week that they wanted me to come and meet the other three members. I was nervous of course, but finding out I would be the oldest one gave me the confidence boost I needed to ease my nerves a little bit. I am 22 to the youngest’s 13. Don’t even get me started on that one. If you would have told me I would have signed up to join a musical group with a 13 year old I would have laughed at you, but this one, there’s something very special about this one. He has crystal blue eyes and the voice of an angel. I can’t help feeling like this particular boy will wind up being my undoing. 

The other two guys I have met previously. Howie is more my age and I felt an instant connection with him. I do believe we will all wind up being great friends. We still need a fifth member. I had been giving it some thought since they had mentioned that five was the magic number during my audition. 

My cousin Brian is an amazing singer. I know his demeanor and sense of humor would fit in nicely with the rest of the guys. I plan on talking it over with Lou next week to see if we can have him come to Florida and audition. I am very thankful to be given this opportunity. I had to get out of that Aladdin costume before I lost what little shred of dignity I had left. 

Hearing my mom cry from happiness was one of the most magical things I had heard in a long time, she assured me that my father would have been proud of me and honestly, I felt it too. I just wish he could still be here to see how big we make it, how well I will do for myself and be able to support and take care of mom. That’s always been my goal, to cherish her and make sure she is never without anything she needs. 

I am a little nervous though. What if this never goes anywhere and I’ve wasted all of this time. What if no one cares about other boy groups after NKOTB? These are thoughts that have ran over and over again on a loop in my head the past few days. I just keep reassuring myself how talented the other three are and how dedicated they are to making this work. Somehow, don’t ask me how, but somehow, I feel like this is all going to work out. 

\--

Nick couldn’t stop the grin from forming on his face. These were actual journals, thoughts and feelings that Kevin had taken the time to jot down, needing to remember, needing a safe place to store them. He absentmindedly ran his fingers back and forth through the cat’s soft fur as he remembered the first time they had all met each other. Before there was Brian, it had just been the four of them. 

\--

Nick was so nervous that day. He was only 13, there was no way that someone 22 was going to take him seriously, let alone be nice to him. He has been on pins and needles all day, snapping at his mom and siblings and being mopey with AJ & Howie. He was so scared that the dynamic of the group that he, AJ and Howie had started building would be shattered by this unknown older boy. Would he even take NIck, his talent, his opinions, seriously? Nick fretted all day and then when the backdoor of the gym opened and the older boy walked through the door, NIck felt like the earth was tilted on its axis. 

He could remember the exact moment that blue eyes met green for the first time. He was beautiful. Nick couldn’t remember ever seeing a more beautiful man in his life and he knew, just knew, that he was going to do something stupid to mess all of this up. If he wasn’t nervous before, he was now 100 times over. 

He hung back, allowing the man to speak with AJ & Howie. They laughed and smiled at each other, seeming to have no care in the world. All at once Kevin’s head shot up and he looked quickly around the room before his eyes landed right on Nick. He could feel the heat of embarrassment staining his cheeks as the older man slowly made his way over. 

“Hi,” the older boy said softly. “I’m Kevin. They tell me you’re Nick. It’s good to meet you. Thank you for considering me to be a part of all of this.” he said holding out his hand to shake. 

Nick felt his mouth run dry and stumbled out a response before shaking his hand. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the emerald orbs and felt the pink grow crimson decorating his cheeks. Kevin smiled at him and pumped his hand a couple of times. “Come on, let’s all spend some time talking and getting to know each other.” he said casually slinging an arm over the young boy's shoulders and leading him towards the other two. 

The jolt from his touch was almost more than Nick’s young heart could take. He felt his breath quicken and nearly tripped over his own feet on his way towards his other bandmates. How was he ever going to spend so much time with this man without completely making a fool of himself?

\--

He wondered briefly about Kevin’s words. What had he meant that Nick would be his undoing? Was he saying Nick would drive him crazy eventually? Seeing some of the things that would eventually turn out to happen? It all seemed so strange. 

He flipped through more pages, reading about how homesick Kevin was in those first few months together. He had been living in Florida for quite some time before the group formed but he still missed his mother considerably and it showed through every page. Nick hurt for this homesick man, knowing that while Kevin was missing his mom and alway his father, that Nick was being his rambunctious 13 year old self and was probably driving Kevin to the brink of insanity most days. 

Kevin documented some of their early squabbles and achievements as they settled into a rhythm together and tried to figure out how to perform together and work out their harmonies. The journal was full of laughter and promise of their bright future and by the time Nick was finished reading it he felt a warmth in his heart that had been missing for a while. 

He picked up his mug again as he finished the first journal. These were a treasure trove of memories. How in the world had they ended up in a dusty old box alone in the storage unit he questioned. He checked his watch. It was already after 10 and Brian wanted to get started again at 7 so they could be done in a day or two. Nick sighed, there was no way he would be able to go to sleep until he finished reading these journals. 

He snuggled the cat in closer and picked up the next journal. 

\--

December 1995

Well we’re in Germany! I still can’t believe what all has happened in such a short amount of time. The mall tours worked out well and that bought us a one way ticket to Europe to begin working on recording and touring. It was so exciting to see the looks on everyone’s faces when they told us we would be performing almost every night, doing the thing we all love most of all. 

I won’t lie, it’s exhausting. Not only are the dance routine’s extensive but we rarely get any time off. Some days we are at each other’s throats because we’ve all been cooped up on a tour bus or in a hotel room for too long. It’s hard but we’re managing. 

It’s hard for me because everyone looks at me as the wise one, the one that always knows the right answer to know what we should be doing. I don’t and I am terrified of any of the others finding that fact out. There’s a blissful solace in knowing I am the lightning rod for the rest of the group. All I want to do is take care of them, take care of him. Keeping my emotions in check is hard sometimes. 

I can’t even describe how it feels when he has a nightmare and crawls into my bunk in the middle of the night. Knowing I am the one person he finds solace in. I have to keep reminding myself that he’s only 15. I shouldn’t, I can’t risk everything by reading too much into it, or hoping. Wishing really that he would hurry up and grow up into the gorgeous man I can already tell he is going to be. Maybe then. Maybe. 

I fight to get us time off as often as I can. Most of the time it’s a rare afternoon here and there. Never any length of time and we have had to kiss every holiday goodbye for so long now. They don’t know that I have conspired with the management team to get a small Christmas tree for the bus. It won’t be much, but maybe the little touch of home will be enough to lift their spirits. I would do anything in my power to see those baby blue eyes light up. 

\--

Nick sat up so suddenly he startled the cat. With a yelp, she leapt from his lap and sauntered out of the room. His heart was beating a mile a minute. What had he just read? He rubbed his eyes and quickly reskimmed the pages. It was all there. Kevin was talking about HIM. Kevin had felt something for him, all the way back when they were in Germany. 

Nick couldn’t wrap his mind around the revelation. He could remember Europe like it was yesterday. He lost count of how many times Nick had run to Kevin with either a nightmare, illness or fight with one of the guys or his mother. It never mattered what time or how busy they were, Kevin always dropped whatever he was doing to help calm him down and ease his fears. 

Kevin would simply lift up the covers allowing the young blonde to climb beside him. Once settled he would pull Nick as close as possible and wrap one protective arm around his middle. One hand would usually land splayed out on his tummy and the other one would skim through his hair every so often as Kevin whispered comforting words to get him to calm his tears. NIck always slept so much better on the nights he lay curled with Kevin. 

It was during one of the many nights he’d spend curled up in Kevin’s bed that he started to realize that maybe the butterflies he always seemed to feel when the older man was near was something more than idol worship. Of course Nick was only 15, he had no idea about love, relationships or any of the emotions they seemed to course through him every time he looked at the older man. The only thing he knew was he never had the same reaction by looking at any of the other guys. Just Kevin. 

Jesus. His head was spinning. There had never been one moment during this time that Kevin had ever let on or given any inkling that he felt anything but brotherly love for him. He was sure he would have known. He spent so much of his own time focused on the older man surely he would have picked up on something. Wouldn’t he? And what eventually happened to those feelings? All these years later, almost 15 to be exact, and still not a peep, glance or confession of something deeper than friendship. Maybe it was just a phase Kevin went though, being single and alone in Europe with the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

Nick paged through the rest of the journal trying to pick up on anything else. Most of the other entries didn’t even talk about the guys so much as it talked about the venues they performed at and what plans Kevin had to make their overseas success the same when they got back to the states. 

He closed his eyes and leaned back, closing the journal. He remembered that Christmas tree. He had been extremely upset they wouldn’t be able to go home for the holidays and every time he spoke to his siblings, they just made him feel worse. They didn’t understand he was working. They didn’t understand he wasn’t choosing not to come home, that he just had obligations and a job to do. He had been extremely irritable and moody for weeks and was wearing on everyone’s patience. Nick knew this, but he still was incapable of dealing with his own emotions well enough to stop when he knew he was pushing everyone around him too far. 

They had been working for so many days in a row, Nick was surprised his legs could still keep him upright. They finished the last concert of the week and were heading back to the bus to drive to the next location. Because of the holiday and the distance they would have two whole days to sleep in the tour bus before arriving in the next city on the 26th. 

They all stumbled into the bus at the same time. Pushing and shoving against each other to get to their bunks. Once Nick reached the main room of the bus he’d stopped in his tracks. The whole room was ablaze with colorful lights and candy canes. There was a tree with garland and ornaments. It wasn’t large, but large enough for their small quarters. He felt a pang in his chest and the homesickness was almost more than he could take in that moment. He heard a noise behind him and turned slightly, seeing Kevin leaning against the doorjam. 

“Do you like it Nicky?” Kevin asked softly, the Christmas lights making his eyes look even more majestic than normal. 

“Did...did you do all this?” he’d asked, his voice full of wonder. 

Kevin ducked his head and smiled softly. “I just wanted everyone to have a little bit of Christmas spirit even though we can’t be home.” Kevin said walking closer to the boy.

Nick smiled and turned his attention back to the tree. It was absolutely beautiful and was something Nick didn’t even know that he’d needed. But Kevin did. Kevin always knew exactly what they needed and moved heaven and earth to make sure they had it. 

Nick startled slightly when he felt the older man’s arms encircle his waist. Kevin hugged the smaller boy to him and rested his chin on his shoulder. “Merry Christmas, Nicky. I promise next year you’ll be able to have the Christmas of your dreams at home.”

Kevin had no idea he’d made all of Nick’s Christmas wishes come true that year with simply a beautiful tree and an innocent hug. 

\-- 

Nick stood up and stretched. He’d only made it through two of the journals, but already his heart was beating in an unsafe staccato. He needed air. He needed to breathe. He opened the sliding glass door and stepped out into the crisp night air. So many thoughts were running through his mind. He wanted, no, needed to get through the journals. He had to know what else Kevin had said about his feelings for him. He just couldn’t wrap his mind around the thought that Kevin had felt something for him, or at the very least been somewhat attracted to him.

He took several gulps of cool air, allowing the breeze to wash over his heated skin. There were so many more pivotal years to read through. His heart clenched thinking about some of the dates in the journals. Some of these entries were going to be exceptionally hard to get through, but he resolved to do it. He had to know what the other man had been thinking, feeling during some of the hardest and most exciting periods of Nick’s young life. 

\--

June 1999

I can't describe to you how it feels to walk off the stage in a sold out arena with so many girls, women, and even men chanting your name. The thrill is intoxicating and we have 128 shows to feel this. 

The Into The Millennium tour is supposed to be our break into the United States. I can honestly say it's not been anything that I have expected. It's an experience like I have never imagined and I don't want it to end. 

We're exhausted sure, but we're also all together and doing what we love. When we bounce off stage together after a show and he throws his arm around me in congratulations, sometimes I forget to breathe.

Believe me, I know how stupid that sounds. He's still only 19, finally of age to where the thoughts that keep me up at night aren't quite so illegal, but still too young to be able to handle knowing this, knowing how I feel, how long I have felt this way. From the moment I laid eyes on that blonde boy, I knew I would spend the rest of my life trying to get these thoughts to leave me alone. 

There's so much going on in our lives. We just released our second album in the states, third overall. We should be on top of the world. We have a sold out tour and opportunities raining down on us at every turn. I never imagined it would be like this. 

Not just the success, but also these thoughts. Thoughts of him. His silky blonde hair and his crystal eyes like the sea. He doesn't need me as much as he did before. I can go almost a month now without hearing his light tap at my hotel room door or his sweet face poking into my bunk seeking solace from another distress. I didn't anticipate how badly I would miss it when it stopped. 

Now, even more than before, I cherish the time I do get to have him wrapped in my arms. However fleeting that might be now. I will not take it for granted again. I will commit every touch, every smile to memory. 

\--

There was a pounding in the room. Nick looked around several moments before he realized it was coming from him. His heart was beating so quickly he could literally hear the blood pumping through his veins. He jumped quickly from the chair and began pacing the room. What the hell was this? Each journal he picked up seemed to blow his mind further than the previous. He could not believe the words he was reading. None of this seemed possible. 

He could still remember the night of their first show. He had been so nervous that he'd hidden in a supply closet in the back of the arena with his head between his knees trying not to hyperventilate. That's where he sat when Kevin found him some time later. 

The door had been ripped open rather suddenly and Nick looked up just in time to see the wild in Kevin's eyes settle into a soft understanding as he laid eyes on him. Kevin knelt to his knees in front of Nick and placed his hands on either side of Nick's arms. He shushed and rubbed the younger man in a claiming rhythmic fashion that the pair had perfected over the years. In moments it had its desired effect and Nick's breathing had evened out and he slumped forward into Kevin's arms. Kevin wasted no time wrapping his arms around the younger man and held him tightly. 

"Oh Nicky," Kevin said gently, rubbing his back. "I was so scared, we looked everywhere for you and I couldn't find you anywhere." 

"I'msosorryKevbib" Nick mumbled against the older man's neck burying himself deeper into his embrace. "I just got so scared. I felt like there was his grip around my chest and I couldn't breathe. I just needed somewhere quiet to calm down." 

"Shhsh," Kevin said. "It's just nerves baby, it's going to be amazing you'll see. We've done this a hundred times before. It's just a bigger stage and more people, but the lights will be so bright you won't be even able to tell the difference. Just do what you do best and they will love every second you are out there on that stage. I'm so proud of you. It will be one of the best nights of your life. Just wait."

Those words of encouragement had run over and over in Nick's mind the entire concert. He never missed a cue and his dance moves were better than they had been in any rehearsal. The adrenaline was pumping through his veins and he felt like he could take on the world single handedly. All it had taken was a pep talk from Kevin to calm his racing nerves and set the course for the evening. 

As they finished the last song and left the stage all Nick could think about was getting to Kevin and thanking the older man. They left the stage and bounced backstage. In an instant he was beside the older man. He threw his arms around the older man and hugged his neck. "Thanks Kevin, for everything." Nick said softly only loud enough for him to hear. 

Kevin smiled and squeezed the hand around his neck. There had been so much more Nick wanted to do and say to the older man in that moment, but then the other guys were there and everyone was hugging and the moment was gone. 

\--

After they had come back to the United States Nick had tried really hard to prove not only to the other guys, but also to himself that he wasn't the same scared little boy in a foreign country any longer. He tried harder than ever before to dispel the nightmares on his own rather than reaching out to one of the others to ease his fears. 

His feelings for Kevin were also getting more complex. He was growing up, he wasn't a baby. His feelings weren't that of a schoolboy crush anymore. They were growing and becoming deeper and more consuming. It was harder to be in the same vicinity as Kevin without staring longer than he should, imagining what kissing the older man would feel like. 

This is also when he discovered girls. Not because he had any real desire to kiss or touch one, but because that's what he was supposed to do. And he didn't want to have to answer the whys and why nots. He didn't want anyone to ever find out his true feelings for the older man, so he played into the charade. Played into the part of the suave pop star. It worked too. It was a nice distraction for the most part, but there were still nights he longed to go to Kevin's bed. If nothing else than to be able to relive the comfort he felt wrapped tight in the other man's arms. 

But Kristin was there more than she'd ever been and Nick couldn't bring himself to subject himself to seeing them together more than he had to already. Each time was harder than the last until Nick found himself avoiding going to meals where she would be there as often as he could. 

\--

The next one was going to be hard. It was a journal during the year Kevin got married. It was one of the darkest periods of Nick's life. Not nearly as dark as 2006 was going to be, but damn near close.

He glanced at his watch again. It was now after midnight. There was so much left to read. So much sorrow and heartache Nick knew would appear before he was done. He wiped his tired eyes and stretched again. His long frame was cramped in the chair but he didn't think he could read and lay down so the chair was the only option. He had to know how these journals ended. 

He thought briefly about where Kevin was now and wondered for the millionth time if he had taken off because he knew Nick was coming. The thought hurt almost too much to take. He thanked his lucky stars again that they had found these journals before they had been doomed to the garbage. Whatever they had to say, Nick was glad he had the chance to read them. 

\--

June 2000

Why was I doing this? I had asked myself this same question so many times before. There was never a good answer for it. There was never a second that went into the planning and the debating flowers and cake choices that the little voice in the back of my head wasn’t yelling at me that this was by far, one of the worst mistakes of my life. But I swallowed it down, diminished the voice and continued on with our plans. It was a very bad idea. I knew from the moment I dropped to one knee and asked her to be my wife that this was a terrible, horrible decision. But it was a decision I was supposed to make. We’d been together for so long now and my mother was getting anxious for grandchildren and for me to settle down. There was no way she would ever accept me for who I am. For who I so desperately wanted to share my life with. 

He’s 22. Still such a baby. He’s the same age I was the moment I first laid eyes on him. Doesn’t even seem possible looking back. He had consumed my thoughts for the past eight years. Eight, long torturous years of watching him blossom from the scared little boy into the gorgeous man I always knew he would be. Watching him spread his wings and grow has been one of the most beautiful things I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. I only wished that once his wings were fully functional he would have landed so easily beside me. But that’s not what happened, not what’s meant to happen. He has Mandy and he’s so happy. It’s so amazing to watch him figure out the world and the people around him. 

Marrying Kristin is the next step for me. I have a wonderful career and friends, next comes the wife and kids. I can’t ever have what I truly want, and I can’t bear to deny my mother the things she wants. This will make her happy. This will also make Kristin happy and let’s be honest here, she’s put up with so much from me over the years that it’s not too much for me to give both of them the things they want. At least someone will have the chance to be happy. And I do love Kristin. I’m just not in love with her. How can I be when my heart has belonged to that blonde ball of chaos since I was 22 years old? I try so damn hard to hide it every day but deep down, I am petrified he or one of the other guys is going to notice the way my eyes linger on his every movement. How when he speaks it’s like no one else is in existence and he’s only speaking to me. God I sound like a love sick teenager. I’ve had these feelings for so long they just feel like second nature to me now. 

I know when we get married I will have to do my best to put these feelings to rest. Not only for Kristin’s sake but for mine as well. I can’t keep pining after a love that will never happen. It’s been what’s driven me some days, allowed me to get out of bed knowing I would see his sweet face or hear his voice, but there’s just no way it would ever happen and the sooner I come to grips with that, the better my marriage will be. That’s what matters now. Kristin & I and happily ever after. 

\--

Nick could barely see the paper in front of him. His eyes were so full of tears and he tried so hard not to let them fall. The desperation Kevin’s words possessed touched him deep within. It’s the same desperation he had carried around inside of him, basically since their first meeting as well. But he has never shown even one ounce of turmoil. Nick would have never thought for one second that Kevin had been anything but 100% invested in the wedding and his relationship with Kristin. The heartache alone was almost too much to take. If he had only known, if there had been one touch, one glance that would have given Nick any indication of the older man’s feelings he would have spoken up before they exchanged vows. But up until that point and even to this very day, Nick would have testified under oath that Kevin was a happily married man, married to the love of his life with no regrets. 

But reading these words, they opened up a window of possibilities. Had his feelings changed over the years? They had been married for so long Nick could only imagine that Kevin had done exactly what he’d said he would do and put those feelings behind him. “But what about the rest of the journals?” The little voice in the back of his head would not be silenced. If the urge to finish them tonight had been strong before, it was now all consuming. 

\--

Nick remembered the very moment he’d been told Kevin and Kristin were getting married. Kevin had called them all to his hotel room late one night in Georgia. Told them he had big news and couldn’t wait to share it with his brothers. The guys had all been joking about them getting married for a few years now, but Nick always laughed it off or ignored them, never wanting to believe it might actually happen. But this night was different. 

As he sat across from the man he’d loved all his life he tried to put a smile on his face as Kevin relayed his great news. They would be getting married in June. Nick bit the inside of his cheek to keep from crying out. It wasn’t fair. Kevin should be with him. Tears threatened to fall but he blinked them back rapidly. He couldn’t let anyone see anything besides the overjoyedness that was expected. After all, Kevin was the first of them to get married. Nick knew already that Brian would be right behind him, but still Kevin was first. They were growing up. There was no room left in the world for his crush. He would have to put his feelings for Kevin to rest once and for all. A wedding was something you didn’t come back from. There would be no hope for a future for them now, not that there ever was to begin with. 

Nick managed to keep his act together and stayed celebrating with the rest of the guys. Someone had called downstairs for champagne and after drinking way too much and plastering a smile on his face for way too long he managed to slip away. He cried harder that night than he ever remembered doing before. His loss was real to him, even though he and Kevin had never been a thing. Kevin never even knew of his crush, but still Nick felt like the door to his soul had just been slammed and bolted shut. What was he going to do now? How in the world was he ever supposed to get over these feelings he’d harbored so long for their older bandmate?

It had been hard. In November that year they had gone around the world in 100 hours. They had been together nonstop for days. It was the most time they had all spent together since Kevin got married. He tried like hell to stay away as much as possible without it becoming obvious to the others he was avoiding Kevin. Somehow he made it through and didn’t break down until he was safely alone in Florida. He’d spend two weeks alone in his room to deal with the pain. He knew he would have to come up with a better plan if he ever planned on being able to tour with him. 

\--

Nick sat quietly flipping the cover of the 2002 journal. Open, close, open, close. He wasn’t sure he was ready to go back down this road. Until this point he hadn’t known what it felt like to be let down by people you thought were always there to build you up. This had been a very difficult year in Nick’s life. It should have been, all things considering, a really great year. He had finally been given the chance to show the world he was grown up now, not some 14 year old kid with a mop of blonde hair. But he was a man, someone with his own thoughts and ideas outside of the group and he deserved to be recognized not only for his talent, but also for how far and how well he had grown up over the years. No thanks to anyone but himself and the four other men that centered around his universe. 

However, telling those four men what he had planned to do while they were out chasing their own dreams did not go according to plan. One by one they turned on him. Men he thought would walk through fire for him, as he knew he would do for any of time, said one hurtful thing after another, until he was left alone in a boardroom with no one to care for him at all.

He'd stood there way too long, completely shell shocked and running over the conversation again and again in his mind. Had he messed up what he'd been trying to say? Were they confused and thinking that he wanted to quit the band, quit all of them for good? He'd tried, begged and pleaded with them to understand what the down time was doing to him. 

Without performing he was drifting in a world with nowhere to anchor. After AJ came back from rehab the thought they would be more understanding when he explained that he felt himself going right down that same road, but it didn’t seem to matter. He didn’t know who he was without the other men, without him. But he needed to. He needed time to figure out how his life was supposed to be on his own when they had extended down time. For fuck’s sake Brian was talking about getting pregnant. He was sure Kevin was as well. Then what? Didn’t anyone care that he had spent three months completely wasted every night because his heart was so broken after Kevin got married? Didn’t anyone care that the urge to use was becoming so strong he almost couldn’t resist it any longer? 

No matter what he had said all they heard was he was leaving them for something better and wouldn’t even give him the chance to explain further. He’d dusted himself off and managed to make it to the men’s room before the first tear fell. He quickly splashed water on his face to cool his rosy cheeks and made his way to his truck. He waited until the door slammed behind him before crumpling against the wheel as the sobs overtook him. He couldn’t remember how long he spent crying in the parking lot. Convinced he would never feel worse than he did at that very moment. 

\--

October 2002

I can’t believe this day is really here. I’ve had the date circled on my calendar for months and I’ve been counting down the days. I was the first one in the store as soon as Target opened this morning. There, in all it’s glory at the front of the store was a lifelike display. His blue eyes shined brightly and the black t-shirt he’d worn in the photoshoot was almost too much for me to bear. I had to take several deep breaths to keep from hyperventilating. I couldn’t purchase and get out of the store fast enough. I had to hear it, hear his voice. The voice I had been missing for so long I felt like I would die if I didn’t get my fix. 

I ripped open the cellophane on my way to the car. Once inside I shoved the disk into the player and prepared for what was to come. I spent the next 43 minutes crying in the Target parking lot. I knew it was going to be wonderful, but I wasn’t prepared for how raw and mature his voice sounded. It was a stab to the heart with every chord, every note. I hate myself for how I reacted to his decision to do this. I can’t be more ashamed of myself if I tried. This was amazing. It’s so true to who Nick is as a person, as a man and the fact that I didn’t have any part, any influence in helping him create this kills me inside.

I haven’t talked to Nick since that day in the boardroom. I don’t know how to even begin to apologize for my behavior. I have no idea how to set things right. So I stay away. I don’t want to add any more pain or resentment to this project that he’s obviously passionate about. My god, you can hear it in every chorus he sings. His heart and soul is in this record, and I am not part of it at all. I think that fact kills me more than anything. I should have been there. I should have been there encouraging him to go to the studio and helping him with chords and verses. I should have been there for him in the evenings doing screenings and helping him choose the sounds for the final cuts. I should have been the one there, beside him, cheering him on. 

Instead I stood by as one after another they tore him down until there was nothing left. And then what did I do? I ran and hid in the bathroom to get my tears under control before I left. Then leaving seeing him crying in his truck was more than I could take. I knew I should have gone to him right then. Gathered him into my arms and assured him that I would be beside him every step of the way. But I couldn’t. He’d made it clear in the meeting he wanted to do this to show us, show everyone how strong he was and how he could handle things on his own. Going to him now would be shoving all of that back in his face and convincing him I still saw him as the small child that needed protection instead of this wonderful, gorgeous man that I just wanted to love with everything in me.

But I couldn’t do that either. I had Krisitin, I had chosen my path and as much as it killed me, I have to keep trudging down it. 

\--

Nick was shaking so hard he could barely hold on to the journal. He closed the book and laid it on the coffee table before drawing his legs up against his chest. He buried his face against them and allowed the sobs to come. He rocked himself back and forth slowly trying to gain control, but losing every time. The tears just kept coming. 

He didn’t even know what to think or feel about what he had just read. Even after he married Kristin Kevin still harbored these feelings toward him, still cared! Why hadn’t he ever said anything? Why hadn’t he given Nick any indication of his feelings more than friendship? Friendship was even hard to imagine during that time. He had felt so completely alone. He had been abandoned by his brothers, abandoned by the man who he loved more than words could even begin to explain. Every song he wrote, every line he recorded had been done with Kevin in the back of his mind. He had sought out the older man’s approval in every decision he made, even if Kevin hadn’t been there to verbalize it, Nick had tried so hard to imagine what the older man would have said, thought and felt. All he wanted to do was create a record that would show the world who he was outside of the Backstreet Boys, he wanted to create something that would make him proud. That’s all he’d ever wanted. 

Reading these words, of love, regret and encouragement was almost too much. The emotions were too raw. His heart felt like a live wire. He knew what was coming and didn’t think he would ever be able to get through the next journal. The pain coursing through him was all too real. His heartache was bubbling so quickly to the surface he was afraid of what would happen when it finally broke free. 

He needed a drink. He hadn’t felt like that in years, but if there was any way he was going to get through the last three journals, especially the next one, he was going to need some liquid encouragement. He got up from the chair and went into the small kitchenette area of the room. Brian had built the guest rooms like little suites, complete with stocked bars in all of them. Nick had never been so thankful for his anal retentive friend. 

He smiled thinking of how far just his friendship with Brian had come since that time. They had eventually apologized to each other, made up and proceeded to spend the next several years reacquainting themselves to each other. While Nick would never completely understand why they all turned on him so quickly he could appreciate how scared they all were of losing what they had and each other. They had never been closer than they were right now. They were Frick and Frack. Nothing could keep them apart for long. 

He poured the brown liquid into the low ball glass and swished it around a few times before bringing the glass to his lips. It still burnt going down. He thought that would get easier as he’d aged, but the burn of the whisky was still as intense as it had been when he was a teenager. He downed the glass quickly and then poured another. 

Making his way back to the armchair he sat the glass down and grabbed hold of the next journal. If he thought the last one was bad, it would be nothing compared to this one. Reliving this year was going to be one of the hardest things he’d done. He’d tried so hard to put a lock on the door to the emotions associated with this year, but tonight, tonight he could see the cracks in the door and he knew this would be the one to break him. 

\-- 

June 2006

Well, I did it. I told them it was over. Well over for me. I made it perfectly clear I would be 100% behind them if they decided they wanted to continue just the four of them. Looking into each one of their faces as I told them I was leaving was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but looking into his, his blue eyes filling with tears he couldn’t seem to control, I felt my heart actually break into pieces. The tears had streamed down his face and all I could understand was “fuck you”. I knew then that I had destroyed our friendship. I had destroyed the only man, person that had ever mattered to me. 

I still can’t believe I was able to choke out the words, go through with the plan, the plan to end my career as a Backstreet Boy and take me away from the only person I’ve ever truly loved. And god did I love him. I loved him with every fiber of my being. I had no idea how I would ever manage to get out of bed in the morning knowing I would never see his beautiful face or hold him in my arms, even in the most platonic way possible. I need him. And she knew it and used it against me. 

In a drunken moment of weakness I had opened my mouth and spilled the secret that I had been keeping for so many years it was just a part of who I am. I said his name. I said it in the more intimate way, at the worst possible time. Of course I can’t blame her for being upset, for being furious really, but it was as if once the name was uttered from my lips she turned into a raving, insane person I had never even met. She raged for hours, yelling and screaming and accusing me of so many things I can’t even remember them all. 

She blamed me for our fertility problems, even though I’d been checked twice now by a doctor and was given a clean bill of health and a big thumbs up that any fertility problems we were encountering were not on my end. She yelled at me for never loving her, never satisfying or fulfilling her. She threatened everyone and everything I cared for.

At first she threatened to go to the media. To tell them I was gay. I was pretty indifferent about that, which only seemed to fuel her rage more. Next she threatened to go to my mother, to tell her I was abusive and I withheld her dream of becoming a mother from her, she threatened to tell my mother all kinds of horrible lies about me. I was admittedly more upset about this, but I knew my mother and my mother knew me well enough that I knew I would be able to smooth down any feathers she ruffled. Then, then she got a taste for blood and she went after me the only way she knew would guarantee a reaction. She threatened to go after Nick. 

She vowed she would go and tell him how I truly felt, how I lusted after him when he was just a child, figuring his way out in the world. She said she would tell the world how I had preyed on him, trying to corrupt and abuse him at every turn. She had me right where she wanted me. She knew I would do anything in my power to make sure he was never in any pain or worse yet in harm’s way. She had me wrapped right around her wicked finger. 

So I did what she asked. I quit the group, quit my life, my heart and left them all to move with her to Kentucky to try in vain to start a family. My heart is broken. I am not sure how I am going to go on, but I’ll do what I have to. I chose this life, I chose her. I can’t allow her to hurt him. I just can’t, no matter if it destroys me in the end. 

\--

The howl that erupted was unlike any sound NIck had ever heard in his life. He didn’t even realize it had come from deep within him. He couldn’t see. The tears were coming too hard, too fast and he struggled to breathe. The journal tumbled to the floor as Nick slid out of the chair and hit his knees on the floor. He crumpled to the carpet and cried as if his life depended on it, and in a way it did. Everything hurt. His heart, his heart was broken. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy to read, but he had no idea, no idea at all that Kevin had gone through all of this. Felt all these things for him and never said, never once gave any indication that he was leaving for any reason other than spending more time with his loving wife. 

In reality, he had left for him.

And in doing so, he had broken Nick in a way that he didn’t even know could happen. To this day, he wasn’t completely healed from that night. The night Kevin announced his departure, taking his heart, his trust, his love and leaving him. Nick had never felt abandonment like he had that evening. 

He was still struggling to breathe. The tears just kept coming, faster and faster. The more he allowed his mind to race over the words he’d just read the more he felt every single prick of pain that came in waves that night. He was reliving it all over again. 

Without knowing what was happening he felt himself being drawn out of the ball he had pulled himself in. Strong arms encased him, rocking him back and forth on the floor. They rocked this way for several moments, Nick still struggling with his breathing and the sobs still coming. Brian gently smoothed the hair out of his eyes and whispered words of encouragement and tried every trick he knew to get the younger blonde to breathe and calm down. 

Brian had heard the anguished cry and bolted out of bed. Even on the other end of the house he had heard the distress so acutely he had woken with a start. He took a moment to glance at the clock on his nightstand before bolting down the hallway and to the guest wing. 

Seeing the crumpled man on the floor had gripped him with a fear he couldn’t remember ever feeling before. He wasted no time gathering the younger man into his arms. He tried in vain to ease his wails and get his breathing back to a normal pace. The only thing he could think of to do was to rock him gently. He had seen his cousin do it with him countless times before and could only hope it would be enough to bring Nick back down to earth so he could find out what could have possibly troubled his younger friend at two in the morning. 

The rocking eased and the two friends sat on the floor clinging to each other for dear life. While the rocking had subsided, Nick’s tears had not. His breathing had eased and became more rhythmic, but the tears, they continued to fall at unprecedented rates. Brian had never seen him like this. He was petrified. He felt it deep inside that whatever had happened to set Nick off this way, whatever this was that was happening right now, this wasn’t something they would just smile and get over. The gut wrenching sobs continued for several more minutes, with Brian racking his mind trying desperately to understand what could have happened. 

When the tears subsided, Nick felt like he’d been hit by a Mac truck. His back ached from the position he was in curled into Brian but was scared to lose the contact by moving. He was embarrassed, he was broken. He had no idea how he was supposed to look up into the eyes of his best friend and give him any sort of explanation that would begin to make him understand the complete anguish he was currently feeling. How would he ever make Brian truly understand how much Kevin had meant to him, hell still meant to him. How was he supposed to make Brian understand how completely broken he was after Kevin walked away, and now, now to find out that the whole time, Kevin was just as broken as he was. It was too much.

It was all too much. This entire evening was too much to bear. 

“What happened, Frack?” Brian asked softly, smoothing the damp hair off of Nick’s forehead.

It took so long for Nick to answer Brian was scared for a moment he’d passed out. 

“Kevin.” 

Nick managed to utter the word before the tears returned. They streamed silently down his cheeks and were impossible to keep wiped off his face. Brain looked at him questingly, fear rising quickly into his features. Nick shook his head softly. “He’s fine, or I guess he’s fine. I haven’t spoken to him.” Nick said through the tears, knowing Brian immediately had thought the worse. Nick kicked himself for being so rash. He knew Brian’s own emotions were on high alert with his dad and with Kevin missing for the past few weeks he should have known that Brian’s mind would have leapt to the worst possible reasoning for his outburst. 

The two friends sat in silence for a few moments, both still stuck in their own thoughts. “Why are you here?” Nick asked softly, playing with the ring on his finger. 

“I heard you, I heard a noise that was so awful I just knew something was wrong. I came in about the time you fell to the floor.” He said gently. “What’s going on?”

Nick continued to be silent. He wasn’t sure how to even explain. “The notebooks. They belonged to Kevin.” he said quietly, not meeting Brian’s eyes. 

“The ones we found in the storage unit? What was in them? What’s going on Nick? You are really starting to scare me.” the older man confessed. 

Nick sighed and grabbed several journals off of the coffee table. Sitting indian style, he stretched out on the floor to ease the tension in his back before sitting back up and facing his best friend. His body wasn’t as young as it once was and he was paying for the awkward positions he had been sitting in all night. 

“I don’t even know where to begin Frick. I don’t know if I should tell you about how much I’ve been in love with your cousin since I was 14 years old, or if I should show you these journals, which surprisingly, seems to me to tell the same story from Kevin’s point of view.”

Brian’s head shot up and looked at Nick quizzically. “Come again?” 

Nick smiled softly, though the light didn’t quite reach his eyes. It had been a roller coaster of an evening and he could barely see in front of him anymore. His eyes were red, swollen and sore from all the tears he’d managed to cry in such a short period of time. He laughed bitterly. “It seems, at least that’s the way I interpret his writings, that Kevin has been pining after me as long as I’ve been pining after him.” Brian said looking up to finally meet the older man’s eyes. 

Brian swallowed hard and met Nick’s eyes. “You’re in love with Kevin?” he asked softly.

Nick nodded, his eyes filling again with tears. He blinked several times, willing himself to remain in control. If he was going to get through this conversation with Brian to be able to finish the other journals he was going to have to get a handle on the crying. Brian reached over and took both of Nick’s hands in his. ‘How long?” He asked quietly. “Since that very first day I think. Looking back, I can still remember the feelings I had in my belly the day he walked into my life. I just wasn’t old enough until later to understand what the feeling was. It never left, it just continued to grow, become all consuming.” 

Brian nodded and broke their eye contact. “Why didn’t you ever tell me? Didn’t you trust me to let me know about something like this?” he asked softly. 

Nick blushed.”I’m sorry Frick. I never told anyone. Never uttered a peep. It was my own private hell and I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want to break down anymore than I already was. Being around him was hard enough with only me knowing and somehow when he was gone, it was even harder to deal with. There was no way I could share that with anyone. Have someone checking up on me and my feelings to see if poor little Nick was over him. I just couldn’t do it.”

Brian squeezed his hand. “You can tell me anything Nick. I love you, I know we’ve had our ups and downs and I haven’t always been there for you in the past like I should have and that’s something I will never be able to apologize enough for. I just can’t believe I never picked up on it. I can’t believe I had no idea you felt the same way.”

Nick felt his pulse quicken. “What do you mean Brian? Are you saying you knew how he felt?” Nick demanded.

It was Brian’s turn to blush. “Yeah, I’ve known for a long time.”

The crackling of the logs in the fireplace were the only sounds in the room for several moments as blue eyes stared at each other. “So it’s true?” Nick choked out, eyes filling once again with tears. 

Brian signed heavily and nodded. “Yes Nick. It’s true. 

That was the last thing Nick remembered before everything went black. 

\--

Nick woke up to a bright room and two faces hovering over top of him. 

"Thank God you're alright." Brian's face said before it pulled back out of Nick's line of sight. Leighanne's face continued to stare down at him motherenly. 

"How are you feeling sweetie?" she asked, smoothing the hair back from his eyebrows. 

"I… I don't even know what happened. What's going on?" Nick asked, struggling to sit up. He tried desperately to remember what was happening. How did he get in the living room? Wasn't he in his room before? The answer came back at him like a ton of bricks. Kevin's journals, Brian's confession, the fear, heartache, and hope he'd felt all before everything went black returned. 

"You fainted. Gave me quite the scare. We managed to carry you in here and Leighanne found some old smelling salts to try to rouse you." Brian said, sitting on the end of the couch and taking one of Nick's hands in his. Leighanne smoothed his hair back one last time before kissing his cheek and strolling from the room. She threw one last glance at her husband before shutting the door behind her. 

The best friends sat holding hands for a few moments. Both too scared to speak first. 

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about Kevin?” Nick asked, finally breaking the silence. 

Brian sighed and rubbed his thumb over the back of Nick’s hand. “It was never my place Nick. Kevin told me one night, god, I can’t even remember how long ago it was. It was probably a year or so before he left. He was drunk, depressed and I went to his room trying to help him figure out whatever it is that was bugging him. I had to poke and prod him quite a bit but eventually he started crying and spilled the whole story. He and I both never imagined that you were out there feeling the same way he was. I’m so sorry Nick. I wish I would have known, had some idea that you returned even some of his feelings.” 

Nick wept silently. He seemed to be a faucet that could not shut off this evening. Or I guess it was morning now. His mind was running a thousand miles a minute. “What about now Brian? Why did Kevin really leave?” he asked the older man quietly. 

Brian sat silently for longer than NIck liked. He finally tilted his head to the side and really looked at Nick. “Are you sure about your feelings Nick? Are you still in love with him?” 

Nick felt the air around them shift. His heart began beating faster than it had before. “Yes, I’ve been in love with him for most of my life now. It’s just a part of who I am.” He said honestly looking at the older blonde. 

Brian nodded. “I thought you would say that.” He withdrew his hands from Nick and ran his fingers through his own hair. Debating on what to say. How much of this was he allowed to disclose, even if it might finally bring some resolution, some comfort and perhaps some love to the two men that meant the most to him. It wasn’t his story to tell, but obviously he was going to have to be the one to make the first move if he ever wanted his two friends to find happiness. 

“When Kevin found out you were coming he freaked out. That’s the best way I can describe it. He couldn’t face you, not in the condition he was in. My dad really scared him, Nick. It was like losing his father all over again. I am not sure what really triggered him after all of these years, but the days before you arrived he was a wreck. If I wasn’t crying, he was crying. Neither one of us could keep it together for more than ten minutes. He paced the hallways and pounced the moment a doctor or nurse came near us. He was crumbling and then when we told him you were on your way here, he broke completely.” 

“But why? That’s what I don’t understand Bri. It’s not like we were on bad terms the last time we spoke. I think it was three months ago we had a very lengthy phone call and had even discussed making plans to see each other. Why did he feel he had to leave when I got here?” Nick said sitting up suddenly. 

“Because he was a wreck and he couldn’t let you see him that way. He couldn’t be vulnerable, in that state with you that close by. He was afraid, Nick. He was afraid of loving you, of needing you and in his vulnerable state denying him, or not being able to give him what he needed. So he ran. He took off so he wouldn’t have to face you.”

“Does he still love me?”

“Yes. More than he ever has I would say.” Brian said, yawning.

“Where is he Brian? I need to go to him. I have to see him.” Nick said swinging his legs off the side of the couch and jumping up to pace the room. 

“In Wyoming.”

\--

Fucking Wyoming. 

That was probably the fifth time he’d thought this. There were hardly any flights into Wyoming and definitely none from Louisville. The only way he could get there was to fly from Louisville to Nashville. Then from Nashville back to Las Vegas and then finally he could get a flight into Wyoming. 

He’d left for the airport as soon as he could get some clothes in a bag. Not even bothering to read the other two journals, he’d stuffed some clothes in Brian’s overnight bag and was back in the rental truck and heading for the airport in record time. With all the connections he still wouldn’t make it to Kevin’s until at least 7pm tomorrow evening, but it didn’t matter. He was now on a mission. It had taken some arm twisting, but he’d managed to get the address and a lecture from Brian before leaving the house. He knew the older man was only looking out for the best interests of both of them, and was scared of either one of them getting hurt again, but he couldn’t NOT go to Kevin. Not when he now knew that everything he had felt for the older man was not unrequited as he had always believed. 

He was exhausted. He’d been up all day in the storage unit and then spent the evening crying his eyes out. He couldn’t believe that it was just this afternoon he’d discovered the journals. It felt like a lifetime ago. He was so nervous. His stomach was in knots and he had no idea what he would even say to Kevin when he arrived. He made Brian promise not to alert the older man to his arrival. He wanted to surprise him, get his unfiltered response to Nick showing up on his doorstep. 

He arrived at the Louisville airport in record time. After returning his rental car and checking in for his flight he slumped in a chair in the lobby of the terminal. He had an hour until boarding. Setting the alarm on his phone he tried to get himself comfortable. He needed to catch some sleep during the downtime of this trip. There was no way he would be able to get through this without some sleep. He needed to be able to remember every part of this journey. 

\--

The low keys played a haunting melody as porcelain fingers played across the ivory keys. The fire roared in the fireplace, warming the room from the inside out. The sun had long since set and the chill that the mountains brought to the small cabin was almost too much to handle without the warmth from the fire. He breathed a contented sigh. He loved the mountains, loved being at one with nature. In all honesty, he liked being completely isolated. No one could reach him, even if they wanted to. It was exactly what Kevin needed right now. 

He’d bought this place not long after he got married. Not even Kristin knew it existed. He had purchased it in his mother’s name, having her sign the deed to keep it out of his asset portfolio and had come here more times than he could count when he needed to get away. He didn’t like being in the same house with her more than he needed to and wanted someplace where she couldn’t find him when he needed some time to breathe, grieve and to wish for things to be different. 

He’d come here again three weeks ago. He needed a solace, a place of refuge to deal with his uncle’s illness and the sudden grief of losing his father that had popped back up once again. But most of all, he had come here to deal with the pain of losing the one person he’d never actually had. 

Some things we don't talk about  
Rather do without and just hold the smile  
Falling in and out of love  
Ashamed and proud of, together all the while

He continued to play. He could get lost playing the piano. It was the only respite he had from the real world, from the demons that plagued him. If he wasn’t playing the piano he was riding his horse. Since he had indefinite plans to stay he had moved Jasper from his extended stay stable into the smaller one on the cabin property. He rode at least every day. Sometimes multiple times depending on the day and his mood. 

His head shot up at the faintest knock at the door. He was momentarily stimed. No one was supposed to be here. No one knew where he was. He didn’t have any neighbors for miles. There shouldn’t be anyone at the door. He breathed quietly, maybe his mind was just playing tricks on him. Maybe he just wanted someone to be at the door. There it was again. It was hesitant, but it was there. He got up slowly, cruising himself for never installing the security cameras he’d purchased. At the time it never seemed necessary, like he said, no one ever came here. Kevin made his way slowly to the door. Willing whatever was out there making noise to just go away.

He made it to the door and this time he could hear and feel the knock at the door. His heart was pounding, white hot fear shot through his limbs as he cautiously reached for the doorknob. He turned the handle slowly and carefully opened the door. His heart skipped a beat as his eyes fell upon the blonde squirming on his doorstep. 

He couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He felt like he was drowning, drinking in the sight of the most beautiful man he’d ever seen standing in the doorway before him. He gripped the sides of the door a little too hard and swung the door open wider for Nick to be able to enter. The younger man was blushing, his cheeks crimson and his eyes ablaze. He just couldn’t believe he was standing here in front of him.

“Wh what are you doing here, Nicky?” he managed to choke out. 

Nick brushed past him into the living room. He dropped his bag by the front door as he went and turned around surveying the small cabin. It really wasn’t much. Bedroom with bathroom, kitchen and living room. Just enough room for the piano and a couch. That’s all he really needed anyway. 

“This is really nice Kevin.” Nick said, taking a good look at the place. 

He was nervous, Kevin could tell. Not only did he avoid the question Kevin had asked, but he was looking everywhere but at him. He had his hands buried in his jean pockets which he only did as a coping mechanism when his nerves got the best of him and he couldn’t control his hands. These are all things Kevin had come to know over the years. All the years he had spent watching the younger man had clued him in to all of the things that made Nick, Nick.   
God he was beautiful. The way the fire light reflected off his golden locks of hair and the way his eyes shown in the dim room. Kevin wrung his hands together. He was not going to be able to keep his hands to himself in these small quarters. God, he was biting his lip now. That drove Kevin wild. He knew Nick barely even realized he was doing it. Another coping mechanism. But what did he need to cope with? Why was he here?

Nick was pacing now. He was bouncing around the living room full of so much nervous energy Kevin was afraid he might combust. In two strides, Kevin was beside him grabbing his arms to calm him.

Green eyes met blue. 

The fire crackled louder, grabbing hold of a new log and igniting into flames. 

“Why are you here Nick?”

Silence. 

Neither man moved, Kevin didn’t breathe, and in an instant he felt the tentative touch of Nick’s lips against his own. 

We're pulling apart and coming together again and again  
We're growing apart, but we pull it together  
Pull it together, together again 

Fireworks exploded behind Kevin’s eyes. His heart stopped beating for at least a solid minute as he tried desperately to figure out what was happening. Nick’s lips were against his. The one thing that Kevin had waited half of his life for was happening. Kevin came out of his own mind long enough to fold the younger man in his arms, drawing him closer. He gripped the back of Nick's neck and deepened the kiss, slowly moving their mouths together. Nick was all too willing to relinquish control and Kevin took it. 

They stayed like that, wrapped in each other's arms for a few moments more. They broke apart regretfully, both needing air and Kevin so confused he had no idea what was happening. Nick’s face was beautifully flushed, his lips so delectably rosy from their kisses. Kevin leaned closer, resting his forehead against Nicks. Their eyes met and Nick smiled shyly up at him. 

Picture, you're the queen of everything  
Far as the eye can see under your command  
I will be your guardian when all is crumbling  
I'll steady your hand

“What are you doing here?” Kevin asked again, trying desperately to calm his breathing. 

Nick blushed again and moved away from the scrutiny of Kevin’s gaze. He took a seat on the couch and ran his fingers through his hair. He was finding it hard to breathe. He couldn’t believe he’d had the courage to lean up and kiss the other man. His heart sped up just thinking about it. He couldn’t wait to do it again. In fact, he wanted to do it again right now. 

As quick as Nick had sat down on the couch he was back on his feet. This time Kevin saw him coming and braced himself for the impact of the other man’s body against his own. Their lips met once more, this kiss more needy than the last. Nick pressed his lips purposely against Kevin’s own. A small moan escaped Kevin’s lips, and it was just enough for Nick to slip his tongue inside. The hesitation was gone. He explored Kevin’s mouth, loving the feel of the older man against him. Kevin thought he was living a dream. 

When they finally broke apart both men were breathing heavy. “As much as I love these kisses, and believe me Nicky, I do, please baby, tell me what’s going on. Why are you here? How are you here?”

A million questions were racing through Kevin’s mind and he was feeling desperate with his need to understand, to talk about whatever it was that brought Nick to his doorstep tonight. Nick hugged the older man to him and buried his face in his neck. He breathed in the scent that was so distinctly Kevin, a scent that had missed so much but hadn’t realized until this exact moment. He felt his knees begin to give out, from exhaustion, need and longing. Kevin felt the blonde begin sagging against him and quickly lead him to the couch before they both ended up on the floor. Kevin sat first and then pulled Nick down with him. The younger man settled in against the other man, his head on his chest. As much as Nick craved staring into his beautiful green eyes, maybe this conversation would be better had, not facing each other. 

Kevin wrapped his arms around the younger man, pulling him as close as possible on the couch. Nick took one of Kevin’s hands and laced their fingers together. “You ran from me.”

Nick’s words hit Kevin like a ton of bricks. “What?” he managed to stumble out. 

Nick sighed. This was going to be harder than he’d anticipated, but if everything worked out, it could end up being the best conversation of his life. “You left, fled really. By the time I got to Kentucky you were already gone.”

Kevin squeezed the fingers of the younger blonde. “I know. I’m sorry. I wanted to see you, but I just had so much going on I had to leave.” 

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” Nick said sitting up and turning around to look at the other man. 

Kevin flinched but continued to stare at him. “What do you mean?”

“I found your journals Kevin.” Nick said watching the color drain out of the other man’s face. 

Kevin felt a ringing in his years. His heart was beating so quickly he could barely keep up his breathing with it. His journals? How in the hell had Nick even gotten a hold of them? The last time he’d seen them they had been buried in the attack of his home in Kentucky. The home he’d shared with Kristin for so many years. OMG had she sent them to him? Went back on their divorce decree and told him anyway?

“How?” Kevin managed to squeak out. 

“Brian and I found them while we were cleaning out your grandparent’s storage unit. Stumbled on them by mistake. They almost ended up in the garbage, but I saw your initials on the front and recognized your handwriting when Brian flipped through them and curiosity got the best of me. So I took them back to Brian’s and started reading them.”

“So you know.”

It wasn’t a question, but a statement. “Yes, well I didn’t want to believe it, but once I passed out and came too Brian convinced me it was real.” 

Kevin felt the tears begin to well in his eyes. Passed out? Brian? He’d told him? After all this time?

Nick continued. “I had a pretty good idea by reading the journals though. I only got through 2006 before I completely broke down. Brian found me crying on the floor in the guest wing. 

Kevin sat up pulling the other man against him. "I think you'd better start from the beginning." 

And so he did. Nick went through every step of his journey to Kevin's door. He told Kevin how sad he'd been to land in Kentucky and find out the older man was no longer there. He told Kevin how Brian had tricked him into helping clean out the storage unit and the fall he'd taken with the journals, finally shining light on all the demons of the past. He told Kevin about pressing Brian for answers and how many planes it had taken to get to his door.

"But why, Nicky? Why did you come here? You don't owe me anything." 

Nick stared at him. "Isn't it obvious?" Nick asked peering up at the other man. "I love you." 

Time stood still. Kevin was convinced he was hearing things. There was no way that Nick had really said those three words he had always longed to hear. Before he could think any further or refute the words the younger man said, Nick placed both hands on either side of Kevin's shoulders and leaned in placing a soft kiss in Kevin's lips. Pulling back just as quickly he said "I love you, I've loved you for my whole life. I've loved you from the sidelines waiting desperately for you to notice me. I loved you all the times you walked away and left me alone with nothing but dreams of you. I've loved you every single moment of every single day since I was 14 years old and now that I know you love me too I don't ever intend to spend one day without you." Nick leaned in again and placed a soft, sweet kiss on Kevin's lips. 

He could seriously get used to this. His lips were addictive. He never wanted to stop holding, touching, kissing the other man. He felt like someone who was drowning in the desert and Kevin was his only source of water. Kevin stared at him dumbfounded, eyes filling again with tears.His heart was still racing. He just couldn’t believe this was really happening. He continued to stare at Nick for a few moments more before he spoke. 

“Is this a dream?” he whispered softly. 

Nick’s eyes softened and he threw himself in the other man’s arms. Wrapping his arms tightly around Kevin’s neck he buried his face in his neck. Breathing deeply he shook his head gently. Nick began chanting No over and over as he placed soft kisses on the side of Kevin’s neck. Kevin let his tears fall as he leaned his head back trying to get as close to the younger man as possible. This time the tears were not of sorrow, but of hope. For the first time, in what felt like forever Kevin didn’t feel like the world was against him. He didn’t feel like all hope was lost. 

He squeezed the younger man to him and pulled back to look deep into his eyes. For the first time, he saw love reflected back in the blue pools. The same love he knew had to be showing through his own. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live without you anymore baby. It’s slowly been killing me, keeping this secret, keeping away from you for all of these years. God Nick, I've loved you for so long it just feels like a part of who I am. I’ve made so many wrong decisions, so many things I regret in my goal to keep you safe and protected, not only from the scrutiny of what my love for you would mean, but also from those who wanted nothing more than to tear me down, to tear you down alongside me. I know if you read the journals you know all about my marriage, you know what she was like, what she kept trying to do to me.” Kevin paused his reverie for a moment to wipe his tears and take a deep breath.

Nick took this moment of pause to lean in and place a sweet kiss against Kevin’s lips. “I love you,” he said pulling back and squeezing the older man’s hands. Kevin would never get tired of hearing those words from the other man, could never tire of the feeling of their lips pressed together. It was a sensation he had dreamt about so many times before, but his dreams and imagination were nothing like the real thing. He smiled, his heart warming with every touch, every caress. 

“Nick..I..I’ve never felt this way about another person. When we met, you were much too young baby, too young for me to have such strong feelings for you. They shocked, scared me even that I could feel such a strong pull to you at such a young age. It didn’t make sense. There was just something about you that always occupied my mind, my heart. As you grew older I knew I loved you, would do anything to protect and love you from afar. I never in my wildest dreams imagined we would ever end up in the place we’re in now. I never allowed myself to hope, to dream that a world would ever exist where you could love me back, where we could be together, just like this.” He squeezed their intertwined fingers together. Just touching Nick made him feel complete in a way he had never known before. His emotional and physical need for the younger man was so great he thought he would combust. 

“I need you Nick. I need you in my life, in my arms, in my bed. I need you in every sense of the word, yesterday, today...forever. So if you’re not in this, if this is just some fleeting fascination or guilt over what you read, you need to tell me now before I fall too hard to get back up.” Kevin said squeezing his eyes shut. He was afraid to look at the blonde. Was afraid to see the regret in his eyes, to have him pull away and leave this cabin, leave him. But it had to be said. This wasn’t a crush or something Kevin was going to be able to let go of in a couple months if Nick decided that this wasn’t really what he wanted. Nick had to be sure he wanted this, wanted him. His heart couldn’t take the consequences otherwise. He braced himself for Nick’s rejection, for the younger man to pull away from him and go. 

Instead what he felt was the full weight of Nick’s body crashing down on top of him. Nick used his height and weight advantage to push the older man down completely on the couch until he towered over the raven haired man. “I” kiss, “love” kiss, “you” kiss. Nick said kissing Kevin in between each word. “I love you. I loved you then and I love you now and I will never stop loving you. God Kevin, there aren’t enough hours in the day to explain to you what you mean to me, how long I have loved, needed, wanted you in my life, beside me. Believe me when I say I want this forever. Who wouldn’t want their dream to come true forever? You’ve always been that for me, you were always the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought of before I drifted off at night. Losing you, to her, to you leaving, when you left Kentucky, each and everyone of those situations almost killed me. I can’t stand when we’re not together, when I can’t look at you, touch you. Now I know you love me. I never want to stop. I could kiss and touch you forever if you would just let me. “

Tears were streaming down both of their faces. Nick’s dripped down his cheeks and landed on Kevin’s chest. Suddenly Nick couldn't support the weight of his arms anymore, the exhaustion catching up to him. He laid his head down on Kevin's chest and the man's arms immediately wrapped around him. They stayed like that for a very long time. Both whispering I love you back and forth until they both drifted off to sleep both lulled by the knowledge that no matter what they had been through, every bit of heartache and misery, every bad decision and restless night alone has brought them both to this very moment. To this place where they had managed to come together, to share their heartbreak and loneliness. To be able to heal together with the knowledge that they both felt the same thing. With love in their hearts and the rest of their lives together in front of them, they could do anything, accomplish anything together. They just couldn't let go. 

You can never say never  
While we don't know when  
But time, time, and time again  
Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go  
Don't let me go


End file.
